the last day of ramadhan was spent at his house with his parents, eating on the floor, sitting on a plastic kenduri tikar waiting for azan (prayer call); like the makings of a typical family. and then the 'nad tambah lah nad, jangan malu malu'. it is refreshing because frankly, i got tired of coming home to the same old house with the same old naggings. and i left with two big plastic bags courtesy of his dearparents.
it wont kill you to be nice to me once in a while. it is after all malam hari raya. but nevermind, painful as it was, i can live with it, i think. although im not sure why we always do this to ourselves. whatever you did was highly questionable and i have a huge hunch, but we'll discuss that when the days are not filled with festivities shall we. i dont want to dampen me even more. i trust you. but sometimes you make me regret it.
so riding in the rain is supposed to make me feel better but it didnt. that backfired and i sat there clutching my bladder in hopes of not peeing on his nice new seat. and it felt too weird when he dropped me off: something's amiss, we need to talk.
it was a wonderful surprise bumping into banu. been alot of bad days for us, and then a hug, and i felt better. ive never said so many chibais in one night. even now i feel so pinch-you-in-the-gut-kick-you-in-the-fucking-balls angry. over so many things. how am i going to get myself in the mood for celebrations. wiping cheeks with the back of my sleeves obviously didnt help.
it frustrates me how im so shut out.
wear new bag, new shoes new kebaya new tudung and for what. for what? my plan to just take it as it is and save money went down the hole when deardad said goodbye to dearshoes. and everything else was spent to make dearself feel better.
of finding an old friend, and then talking to him like usual.
and wondering how things are and just being utterly crazy.
and it helped me calm down but then he had to say goodbye and go.
yes, i think this should be the time to be reconnected. and remember what it is you lost over the year, what it is you gained and what it is you wish you had done better. rectify the ones you can, push aside the ones you tried but cant seem to comprehend, then appreciate what you have and tackle the ones you cannot fathom again. then after all that's said and done, think positive. and be happy. for syawal is a good month.
selamathariraya people people.
dont let it go to waste.