i found out the cause of all this pain and sadness floating in and out of me. it's unpleasant, totally surprising and bitter. very very bitter. i'd cry my eyes out if not for dear daddy lying down in front of the tv beside my computer.
i had the most laughable day today. but the most saddest moment occured at the same time too. i dont know which is worst; feeling this depressed or feeling happy but weight down by this sadness.
im not certain if what im feeling right now is the aftertaste of what has happened, or it's just me. keeping one's self happy is a tiring thing. and this weight on my entire self proves it.
i dont laugh when i watch comedies, although i know it's funny. i get the jokes, i just cant seem to force myself to laugh.
the new sketchbook says colourful, but the contents in it are far from, erm, being rainbow-ish.
i laugh, i joke, i smile, i say hi and wave to people i know but at the end of the day when i sit at my red couch, im sad. saddened by circumstance? i dunno. i cannot be entirely certain that what im feeling is a reality. maybe it's just make believe. in the far corner of my mind, maybe im not sad and im just churning out empty emotions. i cant tell anymore and that frightens the shit out of me. how come and why are two things i cannot answer. you can't really gauge whether you're in reality when all these things are forming in your head. that i can tell.
i like to think im weird.
i need a placebo, something to retain me. something to keep me upright. i think i have it and it's sitting on top of my shelf. i put it there. im always at a lost when im too far away from myself and the world. it keeps pulling me back to the path i yearn to keep. and i badly need it.
i like crying. it's as if the worries, the sadness and the stormy emotions i have is pouring out and evaporating into the air. im not feeling pms-y. in fact, i wont get my menstruation till 2 weeks later.
it's bad enough this thing is happening to me. im sorry you have to be in it too. oh God, right now im just feeling sorry. for not knowing what to say.
the urge to curse is creeping on me, crawling on the edge of my tongue. i want to scream vulgarities out, and i wont care who gets it. it's right here, taunting me as i write this. it's the ugly devil, i hear him call out to me. who's to say he's ugly? understandably the one who knows him best.
this is harder than i thought. by this, i mean life.
it's scary because i have nothing to complain about, no problems to fight, not situation to brood over. but why the bloody hell is this misery staying? shit, it's already preparing its bed: right beside mine.