if you refuse, then please stop thinking about it, because there's nothing to think about because of the factors that you have mentioned why you shouldnt when you said you wouldnt. Keep out whatever it is that you thought of/still thinking about, please.
If it feels unsettling, it means it's not right whatever it is you're feeling or developing. if you feel like it's one-sided, it is (might be/still not known) (although there have been signs & erm, factors).
stop, just dont go carrying on this delusional charade. it's almost fringing on flirt now, and it
tread carefully.
I can't take another dreadful blow.
yours till you stop,
Nad