death pops up rampantly in mind especially when im on the bike, with him, speeding down the expressway. common you might say, but i dread to think of how my body will be laid to rest seandainya we get into an accident (God forbid, touch wood, choi). a bloody stubborn pessimist, whatever you hurl at me. fact is, accidents happen. to anyone.
that's cause for concern already.
but the real reason why it's terrifying for me is because im so fucking scared of death and whatever that happens after that. im scared because death is the lack of life and afterdeath for me is the uncertainty of attaining eternal peace.
i am relieved that it makes sense when i write it down. it didnt sound as sane when it was on repeat in my head. for a moment there, while we were entering the marine parade flyover, i thought i was in a washing machine.
putting all those thoughts aside wasnt easy but conversations and the blue sky helped. of course, the sight of cream panel vans (the same as deardad's van) stopped my heart countless times, and even that helped. what doesnt help is my paranoia, which as of this moment retreated back into its cave to recuperate.
being on dearambellina sometimes make me so tempted to stretch out my arms and savour the wind, especially when we go through yellow lighted tunnels. gorgeous i tell you. but i would never know how that feels like because i dont ever let go of my clutch from his belt loops. ever. im a levelheaded half-coward lah ah. i need to know the consequences before i jump into something.
when he sped that day, full of anger, i got so scared i almost peed. almost because i was half angry and because i think he'll get angrier at me if i were to wet his seat. he turned left, right, passed even the fastest cars. i thought of jumping off ala one of them charlie's angels but then figured i'll get knocked down by a car so i changed my mind. oh we're good now.
everybody collectively says that 'you dont know something was there till it's gone' (one of the more overly used cliches i might add). but death is definitely not one of those things. it's funny because obviously no one knows how death is.
(is it me or is it kinda chilly in here?)
stop telling me i think too much. the more you tell that to me, the more i will think about it. im not that good at this self-disciplinary thingy. i think you know that by now.