i just keep on crying and i dont know where these tears come from. i didnt know i had a water tank in me, it never leaked before. i laugh too hard to be happy, i realize that now. im so used to faking my smiles, i cant tell which ones are real anymore. this time im not lying.
going around a circle, that's what i'm doing.
im a sad case, i admit, and boy do i know it. i lack drive, and motivation. fuck, since when have excuses come to mind. everything comes prepared with a bloody excuse; im tiring myself out with these silly mind games. what is it that we all are silently searching for. what what what?
plan C has failed which brings me back to plan A. see, that's the problem. i've always love plan A so much to just abandon it like tt. i was trying to push myself into something i dont believe to be doing, even though i myself know i have minimal interest in it. i thought if i tried to like it, i would. who am i trying to kid but myself. plan A has always been the shit for me. im not a go-getter. im the turtle in the race. damn, maybe i should get myself a speedboat.
i am officially stuck in the world of inbetween. there's here, and there and in between. see me wave.
commitments i seem to stray from. three words that keep replaying. im a sad case. mentioned twice, felt forever.
ive always known, and somehow i lost it.
two-three-o. not enought to get me anywhere.
give me an epiphany when i fucking need one please.
and i thought i had no reason to be sad but words of a good friend kept ringing in head.
she said, she said 'uve always been sad, nad'. thing is, ive always thought of myself as happy. i didnt know when i got different.
an analogy. stuck on an island after the boat you're in sinks. you have nothing but 3 choices:
a) drift on the boat and wait for help to come to you.
b) painstakingly build a raft to get yourself out of there.
c) wait for a day or two, dwindle and slack off, then start searching for help.
we're all not drifters in the end are we. we follow the flow and yet we dont because we've never wanted to be in the flow, just part of it. then we fight it. to become who we are. so they call us different. does that make sense? it shouldnt. just because it doesnt come your way dear rin, doesnt mean it's not meant to be yours.
[i sure hope so i sure hope so i sure hope so i sure hope so i sure hope so]
sometimes i dont believe the words coming out of my mouth because i dont think a disappointing person like me can come up with such reassuring hopeful words. make me feel like a dirty hypocrite, because what i say and what i feel is disconnected, like me to common sense.
dreams are lies made to make you feel better about your life. that's what it seems to be doing now. lost the effect, meaning, depth. you disappoint me, dreams. or wait, maybe that's me. my bad.
give me a moment. im not ready to pick it up again.
too late too old too jaded. realisations dont make me any younger im afraid.
oh well, all is not lost i'd like to think. no one can reassure me but me. nature's nasty joke.