too much to lose.

hypertension. she gave me a stern warning to slow down a bit because my body is not catching up with my mind and all the other things i'm doing. she said i'm a workaholic and i need to cut down on activities, lest my body collapse. she said i owe my body alot of sleep debt. then she prescribed me muscle relaxants tt's leaving me with a very stoned face.

slow down is not a word i want to hear right now, by the way.
i have no time to slow down, hah.

nobody's here to fix me.
i guess i should tune me myself.

choke.

there is no time to gasp out for air.
there is no time for the eyes to rest either.
it's cruel how wayward things can get.
and dearsufferingfriend said, there are some things nobody can ever take from us.

we suffer together, we do we do.
because friends are friends are friends. that would also mean they'll still be there. even when i get back from the atmosphere. a time-out, time-off, time-check is needed. no particular order.

sometimes i feel so loved, i wonder where all this feelings of misery is coming from.

i digress.

still, i dont think there's any point in knowing.

too late.

i never did say goodbye to ambellina.

oh well, guess what i said still stays:
zaman dah berubah.
my season is over.


sigh.

easykill&cake.

apologies for being withdrawn and such a prick.
still, mucho gracias.

i had my share of loneliness, sadness, tears, smiles and ben&jerry's cake yesterday. it's not the age that bothers me, please. i love adding another digit to the age. i like older. it's just hard to be happy yesterday.

thank you dearbanu. i know how hard it was. the food was great, the cake was great, the card was funny, the company.... wasnt that bad.

it took me awhile to note that everybody was there. it's not any day that everybody is there (i miss that). and that was a present in itself.

here's what's missing.

where's a shoulder when i need one.

selamat hari jadi, uh.

easier to say "happy" than be happy.
why is this every year.

ive reached 21. im getting older, and im happy because of that. ive reached 21, but i havent completed my list yet. a slight rift in a major date. not for you maybe, but being 21 changes everything.

i wish i can say some nice grown up quote here. but there is nothing to say. i'm still here, and im grateful for that. im still here and that really worries me. ive changed. and i like that. i havent really change from here, and that fckingsucks.

you know what else? im such a positive person, i cant help but think of positive thoughts. it helps yes, but it doesnt make it hurt any less. and that would be the aim for today.

happy 21st birthday dearme.
let's not look back now.

JB shoppingtrip.

theshoppingtrip wasnt satisfying.
but it was a salvageable disaster.

because food always save us in the end.
i had fun.

take cover.

all tied up and wrapped around in useless state of mind.
when you thought it was right, so freaking right.

it changes with every shift.

time after time.

thecolleagues surprised me with a cake yesterday, followed by the usual birthday singing and my 1stpresent at the camp meeting yesterday. then the 1stboss shook my hand and said, you deserve the cake.

while we were talking he asked about my lists&plans(things i wanna do before i turn 21). i told him there's only one (a plane ride) i cannot complete it before the year ends.

then he told he wanted me to complete my lists&plans, so he's decided to bring me and a couple of other facilitators to an all-paid for flight trip to langkawi/phuket in december. we're going skydiving there(!).

then the 1stboss turns to me and says, better start planning for the lists&plans for before you turn 22.

take me to that other place.

i seem distant.

it's just that, you remind me of lastyear's memories. heck, everything and everyone reminds me of memories and the shittythings lastyear brought. i dont need this, but i need a hug.

i have no reason why. i have no reason to. i just have no reason, and i cannot answer why. it's like im stuck in some kind of whirlpool and im just spinning down. this isnt something worth remembering, but it just wont let me forget. it's hard to forget when i always remember whenever i see your faces.

it's hard to tell you what im feeling. im full of everything but happy.

lastyear i was sad because i felt like a loser because i had no proper job.

this year i feel __________ because i feel like a loser but i have a proper job.

i can never figure me out.

....things to come (?)

i'm sorry if things will get messy.
youknowme, im complicated like that.