there's always this melancholicness in me when the new year comes. im not sure if its fear of going into a new year or the sadness of having a crappy year before. if its the latter, shouldnt i be relieved that the new year is finally here?
i dont believe in resolutions. i think its crappy-making new year resolutions and then not achieving them. the process will result in unneeded self pity. when jon called me on new year's eve at 1030 pm, i wanted to go and meet him. but im so sorry i cant. my mom will have a fit. i will have a fit; i cant seem to be in the night air too much, i cant breathe. i dont know why im writing this down. not meeting you when you're down has been on my mind, that's just it.
i used to have a packed schedule for new year's eve. before i met syiqa, me kat dil would go around town just walking and talking, then having some food cravings, satisfying that food cravings, go over someone's house and have long movie marathons and end up sleeping. then when we met syiqa. new year's eve, like last year, would mean we wud be out celebrating her bdae. and at midnight, i'd meet up with my mom and sis coz my mom likes to watch the midnight movie.
this year, nothing happened.
somehow, im not disturbed by that. i feel utterly calm and yet there's this emptiness. it's like there's a hand on your shoulder but you cant see the hand.
i forgot how 2004 went. it's a complete blank. i dont like thinking or imagining the future either. i guess im just stuck in the present. i dreamt about death yesterday, but what else is new. i dreamt about seeing ghosts again, a dream that has been repeating itself for the past months. i wouldnt beat myself thinking why. it's useless. i'll never get to the end of it.
im getting older. part of this black hole im feeling is because of that. older means closer to death. i know that that's not really true. if He wants you to die, you will die anytime. but naturally, you get old, you die. ive been thinking about death alot. no, not because im depressed about my life. im not depressed about djools either. im not depressed, period.
Liz pulled me close to her the other day and said, "do you realise that because of the shift in academic calendar and we start early, i'm still alive? if school didnt start early, i'd probably be at Krabi (southern Thailand)". (Krabi is one of the places that was hit by the tsunami.) i hear that quite a lot when im walking around school. 'if it werent for school, i'd prolly be in Thailand'. i wonder what's the reason. i wonder why He did that. not that it's a good idea to wonder. im just curious..
it hurts me to read reports about the tsunami. natural disasters pain me. its not empathy i feel, its their downright heartwrench. i always feel like that- as if one of my loved ones got killed. ive always been feeling like tt about others, especially in traumatic tragedies such as this. i dont read the reports if i dont have to. i feel guilty. im here and they're there. they got hit and i didnt. it's not a good idea to feel this much compassion (i dunno what else to call this feeling). all these thoughts about them and me feeling this way keeps me awake. i havent had any proper sleep in days.
im scared. sometimes He surprises me and marvels me with His absolute powers and im scared shitless.
erm.. hello 2005?
i'll try not to hate you. heh.