__some bullshit love.

I. O. U. upcoming weeks.

2006-11-03T00:44:00.000+08:00

+ ~~t-shirt design for camp committee~~.
+ get better.
+ ~~2 camp meetings~~.
+ newsletter meeting.
+ ~~Tao Nan Carnival~~.
+ ~~le open house~~.
+ ~~RevivalRaya v. 2 (!)~~.
+ SadsoblueShoes.
+ ~~company logo/newsletter logo~~.
+ camp programme schedule.

oh crap. right.
but good news would mean the digits are up a notch.
and no more Langkawi trip. It's now Destination Bangkok!

weee.

fools dont rush in.

2006-11-03T00:31:00.000+08:00

dear Heart,

if you refuse, then please stop thinking about it, because there's nothing to think about because of the factors that you have mentioned why you shouldnt when you said you wouldnt. Keep out whatever it is that you thought of/still thinking about, please.

If it feels unsettling, it means it's not right whatever it is you're feeling or developing. if you feel like it's one-sided, it is (might be/still not known) (although there have been signs & erm, factors).

stop, just dont go carrying on this delusional charade. it's almost fringing on flirt now, and it ~~doesnt seem right~~ is getting scarier.

tread carefully.
I can't take another dreadful blow.

yours till you stop,
Nad

i always do this.

2006-11-03T00:30:00.000+08:00

it's always like this.

just when i finally have room to breathe, the mood disappears and im stuck with lots of content, but the lack of energy to move.

this place is in need of a change, and im much too depleted to do it.

November in mourning.

2006-10-27T19:37:00.000+08:00

see, read, absorb.
this is why november sucks.

i have to remember; it's memories.
and let the memories be a thing of the past.

world as a quackhead.

2006-10-27T19:21:00.000+08:00

i see now how fortunate and sheltered we are.

In another part of the world so far far away, feminists of the same religion are asking women to take out their tudungs (or veils) to free themselves. An article in Today today also had another feminist saying that the "virginity before marriage" doctrine should be disregarded.

What is it that they are fighting for, i wonder. The bigger picture is much more scarier than all these and it's about time they stop pinpointing them little bits because it's not helping (the big picture). Stop questioning what you can or cannot do and do what you should. (FYI, Same principle can be applied to life.)

sad i was when i read the article. i do realise that it's pretty much different in Singapore where everything harmonious exist or pretend to exist.

Still, it's a modern world now, and albeit a few people who are indeed 'forced' to wear the veil, it's still a much personal choice. Like picking to watch a particular genre of a movie; or opting to have a bikini wax; or choosing herbalessences instead of pantene. A personal choice.

Apparently the world is so keen on freedom of speech/expression that they have forgotten the freedom to choose.

(i'm scared for us.)

HariRaya Couple.

2006-10-26T07:32:00.000+08:00

I have 1 more week to be coupled.
Now where am i going to find a date?

(sheesh)

ouh, kite menang.

2006-10-24T08:37:00.000+08:00

it's this war i fought and i think i lost.
not so much hari kemenangan as it is a hari keinsafan.

Selamat Hari Raya, gang.
May He fills you with happiness and all them blessed things.

i know.

2006-10-24T08:35:00.000+08:00

yes, you're welcome.
but i know i didnt have to, really.

i was seeking for something called closure, and i think i got it. you won't see me around anymore, no worries.

confession obsession.

2006-10-17T17:51:00.000+08:00

allow me just one close dearhellogoodbyefriend.
he keeps me company and make sure i smile when there's everybody else forgets.

is it too hard to occasionally be happy. or is it just me.

mixed emotions because it is so bittersweet. gifts remain untouched; propped beside the bed. le birthdaycard stays hidden and obsolete. reminder of thingsthatidontwanttoremember. too much details and the hands are much too tired to do what it is that's not wrong.

when i do find the strength, they always take it back.
spell out mellow-er now because it fits me so.

best kept secret: 19 days without fasting.
what is to become of me, sigh.

i dont feel so special anymore now.

thought it would be easier.

2006-10-11T08:05:00.000+08:00

i dont need another thing to think about, really.
especially if i've had enough thoughts about it already.

friend or not, it still hurts.
don't make no difference to me.

Close to madness.

2006-10-11T07:57:00.000+08:00

Close to madness
So demanding, I can't breathe anymore
I'll never be the same again
Please forgive me, and forget me
'Cause it's calling my name
I'll never go back again, back again,
back again, back again

Can I find some more misery?
If it can't be you, then it must be me, and
Can i find some more for me?
I'll never know, I'll never go back again,
back again, back again

Cold September, I remember
Wishing I was away
I'll never be the same again
Please forgive me and forget me
Cause it's calling my name,
it's calling, it's calling it's calling,
it's calling, it's calling

Time to time it gets easier
Time to time it gets easier again,
again, again, again...

-- BACK AGAIN, BOYKILLBOY

too much to lose.

2006-10-11T07:48:00.000+08:00

hypertension. she gave me a stern warning to slow down a bit because my body is not catching up with my mind and all the other things i'm doing. she said i'm a workaholic and i need to cut down on activities, lest my body collapse. she said i owe my body alot of sleep debt. then she prescribed me muscle relaxants tt's leaving me with a very stoned face.

slow down is not a word i want to hear right now, by the way.
i have no time to slow down, hah.

nobody's here to fix me.
i guess i should tune me myself.

choke.

2006-10-07T03:02:00.000+08:00

there is no time to gasp out for air.
there is no time for the eyes to rest either.
it's cruel how wayward things can get.
and dearsufferingfriend said, there are some things nobody can ever take from us.

we suffer together, we do we do.
because friends are friends are friends. that would also mean they'll still be there. even when i get back from the atmosphere. a time-out, time-off, time-check is needed. no particular order.

sometimes i feel so loved, i wonder where all this feelings of misery is coming from.

i digress.

still, i dont think there's any point in knowing.

too late.

2006-10-07T02:52:00.000+08:00

i never did say goodbye to ambellina.

oh well, guess what i said still stays:
zaman dah berubah.
my season is over.

sigh.

easykill&cake.

2006-10-02T07:51:00.000+08:00

apologies for being withdrawn and such a prick.
still, mucho gracias.

i had my share of loneliness, sadness, tears, smiles and ben&jerry's cake yesterday. it's not the age that bothers me, please. i love adding another digit to the age. i like older. it's just hard to be happy yesterday.

thank you dearbanu. i know how hard it was. the food was great, the cake was great, the card was funny, the company.... wasnt that bad.

it took me awhile to note that everybody was there. it's not any day that everybody is there (i miss that). and that was a present in itself.

here's what's missing.

2006-10-01T13:30:00.000+08:00

where's a shoulder when i need one.

selamat hari jadi, uh.

2006-10-01T13:29:00.000+08:00

easier to say "happy" than be happy.
why is this every year.

ive reached 21. im getting older, and im happy because of that. ive reached 21, but i havent completed my list yet. a slight rift in a major date. not for you maybe, but being 21 changes everything.

i wish i can say some nice grown up quote here. but there is nothing to say. i'm still here, and im grateful for that. im still here and that really worries me. ive changed. and i like that. i havent really change from here, and that fckingsucks.

you know what else? im such a positive person, i cant help but think of positive thoughts. it helps yes, but it doesnt make it hurt any less. and that would be the aim for today.

happy 21st birthday dearme.
let's not look back now.

JB shoppingtrip.

2006-10-01T12:56:00.000+08:00

theshoppingtrip wasnt satisfying.
but it was a salvageable disaster.

because food always save us in the end.
i had fun.

take cover.

2006-09-29T07:44:00.000+08:00

all tied up and wrapped around in useless state of mind.
when you thought it was right, so freaking right.

it changes with every shift.

time after time.

2006-09-29T07:26:00.000+08:00

thecolleagues surprised me with a cake yesterday, followed by the usual birthday singing and my 1stpresent at the camp meeting yesterday. then the 1stboss shook my hand and said, you deserve the cake.

while we were talking he asked about my lists&plans(things i wanna do before i turn 21). i told him there's only one (a plane ride) i cannot complete it before the year ends.

then he told he wanted me to complete my lists&plans, so he's decided to bring me and a couple of other facilitators to an all-paid for flight trip to langkawi/phuket in december. we're going skydiving there(!).

then the 1stboss turns to me and says, better start planning for the lists&plans for before you turn 22.

take me to that other place.

2006-09-28T17:45:00.000+08:00

i seem distant.

it's just that, you remind me of lastyear's memories. heck, everything and everyone reminds me of memories and the shittythings lastyear brought. i dont need this, but i need a hug.

i have no reason why. i have no reason to. i just have no reason, and i cannot answer why. it's like im stuck in some kind of whirlpool and im just spinning down. this isnt something worth remembering, but it just wont let me forget. it's hard to forget when i always remember whenever i see your faces.

it's hard to tell you what im feeling. im full of everything but happy.

lastyear i was sad because i felt like a loser because i had no proper job.

this year i feel __________ because i feel like a loser but i have a proper job.

i can never figure me out.

....things to come (?)

2006-09-26T00:29:00.000+08:00

i'm sorry if things will get messy.
youknowme, im complicated like that.

back&forth.

2006-09-26T00:03:00.000+08:00

My parachute didn't open
and when my back up failed
the pixie dust prevailed
and i woke up next to you
all i wanted was to hold you

i was born in a city however small
it held a hospital
for location where i came into being
it was all down hill from there

what do you do
when your life's a disaster
and your moving faster
and its getting harder to breathe

what do you say
if some is right but
you disagree even if its the truth

i was told you are depressed
by a little bird
that was severely hurt
as it did not notice my window
it just flew wherever the wind blows
as it convulsed on the pavement
it whispered i am hated
your genetic flaws i said say it all
you cant decipher reflections form reality
but neither can i

i noticed neither can i

you are the circle
i am the square
i have the none cut
you have the cool hair
we both take showers
for almost an hour
but only once a week or two

- DECIPHER REFLECTIONS FROM REALITY
PlayRadioPlay!

overdue entry: THEZOO.

2006-09-25T23:19:00.001+08:00

ahhhh, The Zoo.

have i mentioned how much i love chimpanzees? and elephants, and giraffes, and the way a hippo's mouth looks so cute when it's wide open, and the way a zebra's skin glistens in the sun, and the way a penguin walks and how cute it looks when it falls, and how iguanas follow you with their eyes, and how orangutans always have a ready smile?

oh how i love free tickets to the zoo (heck, to anywhere) and ben&jerry's with thesunset. thesister too of course. camera's all tired out.

much fun.

keep quiet.

2006-09-25T23:19:00.000+08:00

call it anything you like
call it facts that never got uncovered
in the end it doesnt matter, mistakes that i make
sometimes it remains clueless
like the answer's somewhat hidden
left empty and breathlessly breathless
excuses excuses

again & again.

seems impossible to smother these words
seems so different when it's no longer there
don't speak another word
these contradictions, these painful puncture holes
makes it still so fcking unfair

cannonball.

2006-09-20T18:48:00.000+08:00

the calendar's so full of scribbles, i'm packed for most weekends.

i'm in bliss like this, it gives me less time to think.

some politiks.

2006-09-20T18:41:00.000+08:00

Oh, when the patriarch mentioned something about Thereligion being violent as passed down by ProphetMuhammad (untrue of course), isn't it ironic that some muslims around the world responded by the same word they're been wrongly accused of.

yes, violence.
beheadings, angry mobs, fires, killings and your mindless whatnots.

theworld is crazy.

the name's red.

2006-09-20T18:26:00.000+08:00

it isn't easy to find someone who understands nowadays.
even harder to have someone who is willing to listen.

just plain old unfiltered conversations. hanging up halfway because it felt so stupid turned out to be so stupid after all. it's not so much depending as it is ranting out to one who knows what the hell i'm talking about with that same one actually listening and responding (grunts don't count).

either that or dearfeelingfriend's so bored, he has no choice.
laughing too much when talking results in not being able to remember what is was that's hurting. sometimes it's blocked out on purpose anyway.

it gets peculiar like this. that's just it.

age's catching up.

2006-09-15T23:14:00.000+08:00

is it too early to start writing a list of wants now.
should i wait till it's requested.

being thick-skinned is so not me,
but i'm trying to make it as expected as i can.
please don't surprise me. much.

how to enjoy when the heart is still missing a piece.

yes please.

2006-09-15T23:06:00.000+08:00

Oh, you must congratulate me.
three months now.

strawberry cheesecakes & moviedate with colleagues coming up soon. an outing of sorts considering they're erm, 2/3 decades older. go figure.

of well-wishers.

2006-09-14T18:30:00.000+08:00

CHAOTIC. my life is just that right now.
going my way? have yet to be answered.
grateful but about to be bent.

i have something to believe in, but i'm so scared these fears i'm feeling will eat me up alive.

the things i need to do to reach far.
too busy 'till the list has to remain there to collect dust. damn.

a mantra.

2006-09-12T18:31:00.000+08:00

the lack of space don't limit dreams.
if it's a dream, it always fits.

different names of the same thing.

2006-09-12T18:18:00.000+08:00

i've got myself a partner.
looks promising.

when everything comes a-rushing is when things will get crazy. be prepared please. and gear up for more fun and fights. cause you know it's gonna come our way.

i say, it's time for a comeback baby.
we'll make it work, i know that for sure.

oh, hear hear (/edit).

2006-09-11T18:32:00.000+08:00

"assumption is the mother of all cock-ups" said dearfeeling friend. so much hellos than goodbyes now, and we seem...detached from everything.

it makes us easier to fade away.

why isnt the day as satisfying as the unfriendly night? night makes everything so pleasing; makes every emotion crispier; makes the company worthwhile; makes me forget the things i cannot have.

i like this better.

your words broke me.

2006-09-11T18:23:00.000+08:00

it does, and it pierced right through like rocket hitting sky. what made you disregard what i'm feeling, what made you think different.

what made you forget that you know me better than that?

i know where that anger is coming from. i know. it's weird.

something i'm missing so very bad.
but this is a hard choice i have got to make. got to. not want to.

conversation ended well, like i know it will. it always does.
this is me suffering from withdrawal symptoms.
a deep freeze's taking over.

ouh, anytime anywhere?

2006-09-07T00:33:00.000+08:00

really now, has it been 4 years?
didnt think we'd read each other like an open book.
now that's unpredictable.

on a sidenote: i'm too excited, i cannot even sleep.

a crush.

2006-09-07T00:13:00.000+08:00

i've always told myself never to get attached to animals, especially the ones that can be kept as pets. they never stay. never, even after you've groomed them and brushed them and put a pretty pretty collar on them. but they never disappoint though, and that's a big plus point.

i'm a little bit allergic to cats, but i've somehow grown fond (hate that word) of this one. it's dearkakshera's.

i named her comot.
so freaking lovable can.
and boy, do they grow up fast.

it beckons.

2006-09-06T23:56:00.000+08:00

deafening really, when it calls out. every second counts towards a forced decision. because you have to resist no matter how much sometimes you just want to relent.

it's strong. and this reminder that you have on repeat is waning. you know you will regret it, so just stop. sigh.

while you were out.

2006-09-05T19:06:00.000+08:00

havent seen my parents for 2 days now.
don't ask. conflicting schedules don't exactly make everything smooth.

i've got potential, i've been told.
'for a small girl you sure are big on ambitions'.
ohyeah baby, iwantomakeithappen.

still, the2ndboss said i'm pushing myself much too hard. she's scared i'm going to break. she said my body looks like it's not going to hold.

because my hands cannot stop shivering.

i'm getting the break i need, no worries.
shopping always makes everything better.

how freakin' eventful.=)

2006-09-05T19:04:00.000+08:00

i tasted euphoria that day. i felt my knees get weak, and my heart was pulsating like crazy. and the way it just enters my body made me melt.

went close to bursting, but both of us were trying hard to maintain our composure.

first times.
fcking worth it.

...& sometimes.

2006-09-05T18:37:00.000+08:00

i have trouble sleeping. i have trouble breathing.
i have trouble shitting in the morning.
i have trouble relating. seems like there is no need to.
i have trouble smiling to smartworking men when they smile at me.

(it's not that they're not cute. it doesnt matter to me anymore anyway. men break hearts no matter how ugly they are.)

i'm having trouble shutting out these voices in my head, the same voices that wouldn't allow me to forget&letgo.

i'm having trouble keeping myself upbeat and professionally accomodating when the occassional wave of misery seeps through. sometimes they see it, and won't say a thing. except to crack jokes and show me hints of affection, each time trying to help me find the shiny glint again.

it's tiring me out.

bodoh macam biskut.

2006-09-04T16:08:00.000+08:00

see, this is why you should never lend anyone money.
...especially someone you've never really met.

dont need to tell me i'm stupid, i already know.

can't stop it screaming out.

2006-09-04T15:06:00.000+08:00

a couple of weeks left until ive reached legal.
there's not enough time to complete whatever it is i've said i would.

still, major overhaul this year would only mean that i'm abit proud of myself.

left standing tall, sometimes battered to the ground.

misery is a miser.

2006-08-31T17:58:00.000+08:00

strike off one by one by one till there's nothing left.
nothing at all; stop making it look pleasing.

what is there but the ringing echoes of an empty room.

Unrelated: surprise, surprise.

2006-08-31T16:37:00.000+08:00

Peoples are such letdowns.
In the end its always me wondering why I allowed them in.

this isnt so much fair, as it is totally uncessary.

to say the least, i was moving along fine, until i looked; looked back at the things i willingly left behind. what luck when it lashed out at me, as if to avenge. pain, yes. but what is pain again when it feels too familiar to actually make it be somethingelse.

see, i was churning out questions i could never give. or say out loud for that matter.

and then dearhellogoodbyefriend said 'you stay, let it run away. not you.'

sweet and hollow the sound. if only for a while. if only for a little while.

why do we always forget the things we want to remember, only to remember the things we've tried hard to forget. OHWELL, says another.

this numbess i'm feeling is it only temporary.

my ether.

2006-08-27T15:35:00.000+08:00

it suddenly snapped and bounced back to the balls of my feet. painful, but thankful.

how do i put this uncomplicatedly:
seeing that there is no hope, no movement, no significance, made it easier to let go. and that in itself made it much more easier not to break. turns out burying is not really automatic after all.

i wasnt sad about anything else but the letting go part. damn. im an obsessive okay; i hate to be not included. but, this was (dare i say it) one of them things i dont want to be included in and i couldnt seem to tear myself apart even though ive tried hard to be separated from the whatEvers (or insert other appropriate word here).

but i did it eventually, and you won't see past posts anymore. theyre all gone, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. this is something new, and something ive been wanting to do.

a lighter load. now this, i can easily take.

up and let go.

2006-08-27T15:18:00.000+08:00

Do you know that I still think about you?
Even though I know that it's too late.
Do you know that I'm still missing you?
Especially right now you're far away.
There's no need to for you to tell me that;
"I'm sorry", There's no need for you
to tell me that I'm sorry,
I said I'm sorry, I said I'm sorry...

I've got to find a way to stop
you falling into my mind
I've got to find a way to keep
myself from thinking of you
I've got to find a way to stop
you falling into my mind
I've got to find a way to keep
myself from thinking...
-- FIND A WAY, PLAINSUNSET.

much <3.

2006-08-27T14:53:00.000+08:00

breathtaking. although the cliched shots of us being there were forgotten. still, thanks for the company. and that's one off thelist. so happy when they played what they played (findaway), i could weep.

miss manic.

2006-08-25T19:21:00.000+08:00

this is something i have to live with; like an irrelevant growth or a cramping tootache. it will leave when it's no longer given.

the lights light up tonight, like it's supposed to.
strike off, and i will soon.

i cant wait for him, mybittersweetsymphony.

changes giveth much good.

2006-08-08T01:48:00.000+08:00

i dont want to be mediocre.
when i look around me, why do i feel like it's something i cannot escape from. inevitable.
it's like being trapped under a coconut shell made of glass; still being able to see everything but unable to touch or grasp them sweet things. and when i hear, and imagine and experience something (be it) a minute sample of big things, i get so excited, i hyperventilate.

and that tuan tuan dan puan puan, dont come a lot.

cannot wait for redwhite&okgo tomorow. it has been awhile.
and the smell of added ka-ching.
though big the commitment, the heart's all ready to go.

setting a blueprint.

2006-08-08T01:46:00.000+08:00

slow & steady, says the creeping tortoise.

oh, you don't know how much the hare in me wants to breeze right through.

unfortunately.

2006-08-07T23:45:00.000+08:00

no explanation for these unfortunate heavy swollen eyes for that matter. if it was black&blue, i'd blame it on fists&fights. it's easier that way. it gives the same results, dont it. beaten&down, kicked when on the ground.

fuck the optimist in me.

here's one: no matter how much you try to jam your feet into a shoe, it's never gonna fit so just throw it away.

point well felt.
point still being exercised.

one of these days.

2006-08-04T00:44:00.000+08:00

sometimes it's just not fair how everything can seem so cruel
and unattainable in just one simple miniscule moment.

in constant motion.

2006-08-04T00:33:00.000+08:00

Lately I've been wishing I had one desire
Something that would make
me never want another
Something that would make it
so that nothing mattered All would be clear then
But I guess I'll have to settle
for a few brief moments
And watch it all dissolve into a single second
And try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line
'Cause that's all that you'll get
so you'll have to accept
You are here then you're gone

But I believe that lovers should
be tied together and Thrown into the ocean
in the worst of weather and left there to drown
Left there to drown in their innocence
But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter
I read all of the pages and there is still no answer
Only all that was before
I know must soon come after
That is the only way it can be
So I stand in the sun
And I breathe with my lungs
Trying to spare me the weight of the truth

Saying everything you've ever seen
was just a mirror And you've spent your
whole life sweating in an endless fever
And now you are laying in a bathtub
full of freezing water Wishing you were a ghost
But once you knew a girl and you named her Lover
And danced with her in kitchens
through the greenest summer
But autumn came, She disappeared
You can't remember where she said
she was going to

But you know that she's gone 'cause
she left you a song That you don't want to sing
We're singing I believe that lovers
should be chained together
And thrown into a fire with
their songs and letters And left there to burn
Left there to burn in their arrogance
But as for me I'm coming to my final failure
I've killed myself with changes
trying to make things better
But I ended up becoming something
other than what I had planned to be

Now I believe that lovers should be
draped in flowers And layed entwined
together on a bed of clover
And left there to sleep
Left there to dream of their happiness

--- A PERFECT SONNET, BRIGHTEYES

just like a beginning.

2006-08-04T00:03:00.000+08:00

it's just bothering me is all.
im not straying farther. not when, not yet, not right.

fucking uncanny similarities, these emotional baggages have got to go. thrown out the window. thrown into the path of an incoming locomotive, anything to keep it away. where it should be.

ive been told all these invisible weight is not at all flattering.

this is not to make you feel guilty, i swear.

2006-08-02T02:09:00.000+08:00

mogwai's passed, and im here still.
2 months to cancelling everything.

Oh No, too fast. just too fast.

threefold in meaning.

2006-08-02T01:57:00.000+08:00

the more i dont seem to fit.
how to when there's a whole part missing.
how to when it's all torn in the end.

im glad we're all settled and talked out.
more realisations, i hope it dont arrive in stinging breaths.

funny how i had the guts today, and then come tonight, now, i dont after all. maybe not now. new phrase of the month.

weird right, when one never realise what one accuses another of. same crime, blindsided still. saysomethinghere i will not.

i am fucking special okay, no one can snatch that from me.
ever.

Katie-Katie's 21st Bday @ 211 Cafe (25July).

2006-08-02T01:17:00.000+08:00

go fish.

2006-07-31T01:28:00.000+08:00

so yes. one week's worth of catching up to do.
owe some people shark's fin soup.
owe dearbanu a visit.
bury me in bishan, baby.
boos day out.
updates, updates and updates.

and television.
man, i miss the remote.

what is the fucking point right.

2006-07-31T00:58:00.000+08:00

say it to my face why dont you. your actions dont match your fucking words bytheway. i have no proof, which makes you a liar. it's sad because whatever is said, scolded and done, you wont understand even when you say you will. the words of another so safely you keep.

what makes that safer, i think it's all the same. what will fade in the end and what wont, i think you will know. so blind, so fucking blind. you've never been there, dont act like you have. you dont know it, so who will know better you think; them just tasting new ground, or me already done.

if you already know, why the hell arent u doing something about it. and why is it when you're in trouble im the 1st one you seek. i feel so cheated. it's not fair. fuckinghurts, you're supposed to be my sister, and im not the enemy. im not.

i dont want to see you fall. but you, you just dont get it. your head's so thick, noise cease to exist. ~~i have nothing to say anymore.~~ just dont let me say the words itoldyouso.

old news, and then some.

2006-07-31T00:47:00.000+08:00

old news is the new fridge is here, kat's bday was a blast, finally had ben&jerry's for tea, staying in bishan for 4 days straight, the middle always trying to be the strongest, the newblackshoes broke and the earphone of dearmp3 is spoilt due to them kittens.

new news is single finds solace in single, if you already know you better fucking show it, i have no respect for shitty kids still, a certain kind of anger related confidence has grown in me, sadsoblueshoes is up and running again and i wont really give a damn anymore, not when i shouldnt.

today mark's the late uncle's 55th birthday. died in the highest regard but still pity because he didnt get to see his first grandchild due in september. what'sdoneisdone, we will miss him yes.

another something new: a unanimous vote to keep it all hidden and intact. not so much now goodbye has been said & decisions made. let it settle, just.

i miss home, and the many hums of night.

what do us part.

2006-07-22T11:25:00.000+08:00

comes again and again and again.
the first of sorts, although this is not something to be remembered.

this is just the start of starts.
funny how life stands still because of deardeath.

go freak go figure.

2006-07-19T00:01:00.000+08:00

oh what fun it is to ride
on an invisible wooden sleigh.

single+single= madness.

2006-07-18T23:37:00.000+08:00

Doubles should just go home and fry eggs.
or be like a tree and leave.
or make like a potato and bake.
or be like tongkat ali and serve.
be like a cheese and stink.
or make like zits and disappear.
how about making like cats and scram.

Doubles should be like praying mantis(es) and eat each other's heads off.

we be standing at the corner waiting for the go sign.
fingers on the dial and messaging like mad.

circle's got me going fucking around.

2006-07-16T14:01:00.000+08:00

She's wearing too much lipstick tonight
The little black dress a little too tight
She tries to make small talk but
it drips with spite She knows that he's
coming; it's really all right
Nobody here could know how she feels.
Not getting drunk and she hates
wearing heels She tries to stand but the room
seems to bend and reel Her friends all keep
asking why can't she just deal

If she spins fast enough than maybe the
broken pieces of her heart will stay together
But ain't no gyroscope can spin forever,
yeah. If she spins fast enough than maybe
the broken pieces of her heart will stay together
But ain't no gyroscope can spin forever, yeah.

He says it's over and it's such a relief
It's finally happened and he's
making his peace All the reminders don't
bother him in the least The Jekyll and Hyde
shit will finally cease.

His eyes on fire and his hands
kind of shake Like his voice is ready
to break You kind of wonder how
long this boy's been awake
Or how much less sense one person can make.

Happiness is such hard work,
and it gets harder every day
And it can kill you, but no one wants
to be that tacky about it, yea
If you spin fast enough than maybe the broken
pieces of your heart will stay together
But some things I've seen lately make me doubt it.

--GYROSCOPE, THE DISMEMBERMENT PLAN.

can never have the best of both worlds.

2006-07-16T13:07:00.000+08:00

i wish i can just click on tools and erase.

(whydoialwaysdothistomyself) sometimes i forget i have a choice.

fun family affair: non-imitation only.

2006-07-15T13:32:00.000+08:00

for dearmom. (and she asked if this is original, heh.)
(yes it is). happy 44th birthday love.

i<3GSE.

2006-07-15T13:24:00.000+08:00

great sounds; theyre nothing alike. i keep thinking about yesteryears and now&then. the uncanny similarities and then passing of scenes as if on repeat. now i know why i stayed away.

it really is hard not to fucking think.
not again. OHNO (word of the month). not again.
down&out, quirky&not, sadsofucking~~lonely~~lovely.

tiramisu's making me smile so fucking wide.
would never have thought buahpele would sound so nice in a song.

this charming man.

2006-07-13T07:00:00.000+08:00

saw a charming man.

so fucking gorgeous. very. very. handsome. never have i seen such a specimen like that (besides judelaw). he sat opposite me, and it was hard not to stare. he was holding on to samsung's new phone. oh what a dream.

i was sooo compelled to go up to him and slap him or pinch him or touch him (no no, nothing kinky) just to make sure he's real. or take a picture of him. or chain him to the seat.

because damn they're so rare.

the city lie awake tonight.

2006-07-12T00:01:00.000+08:00

the need to wind down grows by the hour. chasing green, and reds, though blue would really be much preferred. how far would you go, how far would this go. and when everything falls, who would be the one to play catcher.

is it really me, and will this end. or has it already ended when the invitation was never given. will this end. with peace, with grace. maybe in time, i will feel belonged.

broke a record today; though im about an inch from breaking myself. hope mrs ticktick will come a-knocking come thursday. what with fake shark'sfinsoup seafood and tripledecker cake.

oh we love you mommy,
we do, we do.

why do tables turn. and why do we crumble.

to put it into context.

2006-07-11T23:52:00.000+08:00

it's like almost reaching that exciting climax when you just hit the right spot and all senses ignite and you feel hot all over and you blush and you shiver and you feel ohsofucking high,

only to fall short
only to gasp and drop
only to bypass that one erection

and in that instant, all pleasure stops
and euphoria turns into the utter disappointment of a job unfinished.

damnyouyoufuckinsuck.

2006-07-09T22:29:00.000+08:00

I fucking HATE COPYCATS.
such an effing pain. go get your own ideas.

dammit, you're so fucking unoriginal.
stop trying to be a nonconformist when you bloody are.

take note.

2006-07-08T18:47:00.000+08:00

oh, and i finally met someone whom i dislike at first meet.
that same person disliked me too.

not a great feeling, but live-able.

(sidenote: i really feel i've changed.)

oh hello.

2006-07-08T18:43:00.000+08:00

meet me, nad, the businesswoman.
meet me, nad, the designer.
meet me, nad, the ever likable one.

nowhere in my 20years and 9mths of life has sporty been placed in my long list of traits. fucking out of place is me and my beachwear. everybody's in erm, dri-fit.

thank god it's over.

thy soft heart.

2006-07-05T22:44:00.000+08:00

there are times when i really hate how fucking inconsiderate he is.

...this moment, i feel nothing but pity for him.

a new (bad) experience.

2006-07-05T22:41:00.000+08:00

everything was going alright. breeze, cold water, rising sun.
and then i started vomitting.

i love water, but damn, they made me sick.

Just when i thought i had it easy.

2006-07-04T23:56:00.000+08:00

i lost my most current favourite ring.

a suddenly spoilt tuesday.

Welcome back to school (?) Eurgh.

2006-07-04T23:44:00.000+08:00

well, Okay.

a teacher's life is stressful and very tiring, with the many activities they have to handle on top of teaching.

a student's life is stressful and very tiring, with the many activities they have to do on top of studying and doing homework.

so basically, whatever i learnt these 2 weeks is just re-affirming what i already know: life is tiring no matter how old you are, and the grass is never greener on the other side.

they're both the same sickly shade.

funny story.

2006-07-03T00:46:00.000+08:00

i find it...do-able. when people ask, i laugh. full-fledge throw my head back hold my stomach open my mouth wide vibrating voicebox laugh. like it tickles.

you're a happy memory. that's all you're ever gonna be.

my exit music.

2006-07-02T01:48:00.000+08:00

one for one, two for two.
our lives overlap, interlink, and converge.
all the time, all the time. all this time, this life.

we're sleeping in today, yey.

who's acting like kids now.

2006-07-02T01:40:00.000+08:00

how fucking petty. is this the new fad adults go by these days.
still, fun to mingle (though i feel his staring eyes).

easy, like this is crazy.
hard, because it's just so.

iamveryveryohsofreakingexcited!

2006-07-01T00:49:00.000+08:00

Sailing!

something strange in the neighbourhood.

2006-07-01T00:13:00.000+08:00

it happens here. compulsive disorder tai-tais who dont shave their armpits spells disgust and here's why i should be thankful for deodorants. getting my supply of acoustics from underground, minus the longhair. im convinced it's mexican dude's long lost brother coming to haunt me.

on a ohsofuckinghigh it grows on my face and shows on my sleeve until it is amazingly transparent and it reaches to the sky and touches base over and over and over. steps are lighter, muchos gracias says dearheart.

i keep writing entries in the head because outlets are much needed, but too bad the publish radio button is neither connected nor available for comment.

meeting of the soulsistas was great, like we didnt leave ngeeann. remains unchanged except for the clicketyclick of bloody high heels and kaching-ing of moolah (gets heavier). i will forever remain the underaged, that much i know. oh well, guess what, the underaged's growing up and out. soon.

a fucking tight month.

and new frontiers are needed because have you noticed; mainstream's going me with the frills and short dresses and fluffiness. super irritating.

people-watch without reservations. man, we were feeling rather careless and obscure. like a moving catalog, and we're picking items most suitable. what a riot. a much comfortable single and single collide to give you chaos. stop short, came to a halt.

yikes.

i want to do it again!
can. of course.

why do i feel like im waiting for it all to break or crumble.
forward seems so forever especially since.

compressed soundbite.

2006-07-01T00:12:00.000+08:00

it's not my time. i'd like to think not. which is not hard. not hard at all. see, i do have an explanation for myself after all. unrelatedlah, but you shouldnt expect anything less.

imagine gears, imagine axles and pulleys. imagine all rusted. automatic shutdown right when clock hits eighteen hundred hours. ooh sweet, we're all getting jungl-y now. them greenery is bloody irresistable. now imagine having to pass through sunrise, jetty, jetty, sunset (in that order). i feel nospecialthing no more. satu kosong.

it is a very good thing mr blue sansa can sing so many darn tunes.
plus entertainment is: (i get weak) looking at (cute) guys in smart (!).

it opens your eyes right up in the morning. one step below hot morning coffee.

this chic & single combo is mighty fun.

so long darlings.

2006-06-30T07:35:00.000+08:00

Do you walk like a saint when you talk to the sky?
Your angels are mischiefs, unlike you and I
Fall down slowly until you are gone
I'll see you in Hell one day, where you all belong.

And I won't say goodbye. so long, darlings
And I won't say goodbye
'cause it's not worth my time, no.

Do you walk like a saint
when you make the birds run?
Is it time to get ready for what you have done?
And I have no more questions for myself
And I'll say it again and again and again,
Until it gets into your heads.

--- SO LONG DARLINGS, AGENT SPARKS

what it takes (to make you break).

2006-06-24T01:18:00.000+08:00

feels apt, but wrong. feels so fucking comfortable,
(like i should be doing this for years to come) but wrong.

when the week's up, then the ending will reveal on its own.
then the right will feel wrong, and the comfort will be gone.

...and that'll work much more better.

not so locomotive.

2006-06-24T01:01:00.000+08:00

try speeding down the train tracks, flow just right and timing (timingiseverything) has never been more perfect when the word suddenly decides to play. suddenly emergency brakes dont work anymore. no one knows how to operate the handle. pull the trigger, pull that bloody trigger.

(too close, how close is close enough. just want to bring you down so badly always trip over everything you say want to bring you down so badly in the worst way.)

the signs show one way when in actuality the realtime prove otherwise. messing plans up, messing everything that's ever been worked for. what is absolute and do you have any proof.

the sound of metal on gravel metal on gravel and the painful shriek of brakes (finally!). come flickering sparks and screams so quiet they make the mirrors break. it's this wham bham thank you 'mam theory that throws one into disarray. dig deep to get the fragments out; nothing's eventual. we will finally learn.

the journeys are never straight. it's all edgy- designed to test the mechanics of how far one can go. so cunning the chase, the stop gets further and further. sooner or later the engines will give way. and where will you be without a decision.

time's not going to wait.

i am overwhelmed.

2006-06-23T14:49:00.000+08:00

i mite be taking out ads for erm, help.
although i already have one in reach albeit the absence of black&white.

i feel the stress.
i hope it wont kill me
(not so soon at least).

saya suke sekali (with no particular reason).

2006-06-22T22:37:00.000+08:00

i like my sister. have i told anyone that.

not prepared for these.

2006-06-22T17:17:00.000+08:00

is it not possible for two people from the opposite sex to be just down-to-earth honest-to-goodness friends? as platonic as monotone.

No, then how do you make friends, and how true is the basis of your friendships?

i want to be very degil. i want it like that.
call me kejam, i dont care.

Oh my unpredictable.

2006-06-22T16:48:00.000+08:00

Started with linger.
Ended in bitter tears.

How is it that i can feel like such a letdown when i'm almost not certain whose fault it exactly is. oh is that so freaking peculiar. i shouldnt expect anything less. destiny, fate, all those seredipity crap has a warped way of shackling my feet to the ground, almost not allowing me to move anywhere. or any further.

i wonder why all these leftover feelings resurfaces. it's like i lost out on something; so fucking sweet, like rain. like it could've been great. but it stopped in the middle, and that unwillingly became the much evasive end. alas, so cruel.

redemption, this is not a way. ~~sighs~~ ohwell.

step by step by step.

2006-06-19T22:25:00.000+08:00

this is official.
mind you, this will never be deadbeat.

popular misconception.

2006-06-19T22:21:00.000+08:00

a comment made said that i sound much more redundant than i do anything else. feelings totally vague and erm, mindless.

truth be told, i am happy. wow, such a rarity.
it's this unspoken thing, and i have no explanations. none.

is this clear enough.. hee.

howfuckingtrue.

2006-06-18T16:53:00.000+08:00

Hello, I'm neurotic
Creating problems that don't exist
Don't believe me when I say it's alright

Let's go to my apartment
We'll pull the sheets up over our heads
Forget all reasons to go outside

Beats pulse, they're automatic
Locked inside of my apartment
Make confessions with the television on

I'm fine.

-- Blue Lights, Pretty Girls Make Graves

realise this.

2006-06-18T16:45:00.000+08:00

i am random as random comes.

maybe that's it.

di mana dia?

2006-06-18T16:43:00.000+08:00

how would you like to be approached?

'hello boleh kenal-kenal' is so over and done with. the reflex answer would be a solid grunt (and your mind's going 'another non-creative one'), because seriously how do you answer that question.

'oh, boleh. kenal kenal lah dengan saya.'

'saya sudi berkenal-kenalan dengan awak.'

a shy smile, a nod, a grin, a resounding yes. what else is there besides the most popular no. no thanks, tidak apelah, saya tak sudilah, and all that.

that's when i sit while staring at the well-dressed man digging his ear in front of me and wonder whether all the interesting men have gone extinct. heh.

i love it when im right.

2006-06-17T14:12:00.000+08:00

once i had everything (almost).
then i had nothing.

but now, it's all coming.

serendipity?

that something different.

2006-06-17T14:03:00.000+08:00

like they were meant for this. let's not just chase ghosts.

in constant change are we, when once that dashboardconfessional song was bound to make me cry. i dont even cringe now. good memories are what we all are gonna be one day. oh so fucking far.

stop to think, of that yellow yellow moon.
stop to think, which ones.
stop to think, laughter's not so much everything.

i just dont care anymore if it makes sense.
sooner or later, this split personality is gonna show.

note to self.

2006-06-15T00:37:00.000+08:00

take away the cold cold anxiety and step ahead.
moments awaiting, first impressions and hot mornings.

it's atcually fantastic. hee.

(try not to break out in sweat.)

things that dont change/things that changed.

2006-06-15T00:34:00.000+08:00

there at the beginning.
still here at the end.

now we talk like old friends do.

( /attendance not present at the dominant end. not so special this time.)